2012 I have no words for you (except the ones I’m about to write).
You were the year that taught me exactly how painful it is to lose someone you love (about 5 times). You were the year that taught me online dating is a bad idea. You taught me that shopping won’t solve my problems, but I will go into 2013 with a full closet and lots of shoes to ease my pain. You built up my hopes and then watched as they were shattered. You taught me what true loneliness really is. You were the year that showed me meeting men in bars never ends well, but then again there aren’t many winners in church either. You moved me to a new city and a new job. You taught me that kissing new people is ALWAYS awkward when there is no spark. You brought me wonderful new dance students, but you made me say goodbye to the fabulous ones I had before. You showed me a beautiful (yet cold) new city that I will never live in. You took a good friend and turned her into a stranger. You took a best friend and turned him into a stranger. You were the year that broke my heart.
There is no way that I can truly describe how painful this past year has been. The good times were brief. No one died, but many people were lost. My hope was lost.
But if all good things come to an end, that means all bad things have to come to an end too, right? I know I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and magically be okay (although that would be a wonderful way to welcome the new year), but I have to believe that one day it will happen. I have to believe that one day I will not have the urge to cry when I think about the past. I have to believe that there will be a day when love doesn’t break my heart, although in all of my years I’ve yet to see it.
There will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair. -Mumford & Sons
Maybe 2013 will be that time, and maybe it won’t, but I can’t lose hope. Carrie Bradshaw was right when she said it was hard to walk in a single girl’s shoes. Not only do we have to walk alone, but we have to maintain the hope that we won’t walk alone forever. I’ve had a hard time choosing movies to watch lately because I’m in a place in my life where I can’t stand happy endings (although it seems everyone around me is getting theirs). Maybe it’s because like a fool I though I was going to get mine. Or maybe it’s because I don’t think I believe in them anymore. Some of my all time favorite movies are collecting dust because I just can’t face their stories anymore. Pretty Woman? Hookers never get that lucky in real life. Breakfast at Tiffany’s? Seriously, where are all of the Paul Varjack’s in the world? Where is the man who will love you despite how hard you run from him? The Notebook? I’d rather shoot myself in the face than watch THAT movie ever again. No real love story is like that. I found out first hand–loving someone with all you have isn’t enough.
So, 2013, I’m not asking for you to bring me love. I honestly don’t think I could bear it. I’m just asking for hope. Hope that things will get better. Hope that I will be brave enough to forget my previous battle wounds and love again. Hope that everything will turn out okay. Because I’m learning that without hope, you can have everything in the world and still have nothing.