In case you didn’t know, being in love is a lot like being drunk. Like tequila drunk where you think you’re having a lot of fun and being totally awesome but then you soberly look back on your evening only to ask yourself WTF happened? Yes, drunk like that.

I get these little doses of love soberness every now and then and it’s like a smack in the face. Last night I was watching the South Park episode called “The Succubus” (which is actually really hilarious, and I’ll tell you all about it for tree-fiddy) and it reminded me of where I learned the term “succubus”. From an ex…describing me. Let me throw a definition at you:

Succubus: In folklore traced back to medieval legend, a succubus is a female demon or supernatural entity that appears in dreams, who takes the form of a human woman in order to seduce men, usually through sexual intercourse.In modern fictional representations, a succubus may or may not appear in dreams and is often depicted as a highly attractive seductress or enchantress; whereas, in the past, succubi were generally depicted as frightening and demonic.

Uh…thanks? Here’s the part that makes me a lunatic…I spent a good decade of my life pining after this man who thought I was a seductive demon out to take his soul. And for clarification, aside from a temporary bitch fit that is probably deserved from time to time, I have done nothing demonic in my life. So there’s that. This was also the same man who claimed he wanted to marry me AND would break-up with me within the same week.  Then, of course, there was the guy who cheated on me and lied to me constantly, but then sent me on a shopping spree each time to make it up to me. That only worked for like…6 years. I wised up to his antics (and ran out of closet space).

Sadly, those are the only two people that I consider “real loves”. I’ve dated other people, but I only claim love twice…and that’s what I claim: a cheater, and a bi-polar relationship founded on the basis that I’m a demon.

When I say it out-loud I begin to understand why I’m choosing to avoid commitment.

I get these fleeting moments where I miss these people and these relationships, but the sober slap reminds me why those relationships were bad for me. Yes, I’m always going to miss aspects of the relationships because they became a part of who I am. From one I collected my love of Dave Matthews, good beer, and high end restaurants. From another I collected my love of The Avett Brothers, Joss Whedon, and playing poker. But from both I collected confusion, heartache, and trust issues.

In my current dating life I have guys that are a combination of these things that are trying to pursue me (Joss Whedon fans, good beer lovers, etc.) but I feel like I’ve undergone shock therapy. When any of these trigger words are said, I immediately feel the pain.  So, how do you move past the negative past experiences to have a healthy, normal relationship?

I don’t know.

If I do ever figure it out, I’ll be sure to let you know. For now, I shall continue dating commitment free as long as possible. Because it seems like falling in love leads you to fall for a lot of stupid shit while in the moment thinking it’s totally acceptable. If one of the guys I was casually dating called me a demon or couldn’t make up his mind on how he felt about me or lied to me that would probably be the end of that. Yet love made me think it was okay. What is wrong with me?? (<—-that’s a loaded question, please don’t actually answer it).

I guess my point is, don’t fall in love. Or, if you do, fall in love with someone you can trust and who will see the best in you.

Because once you’re in love you’ll put up with anything, obviously.